Went for a run late this afternoon. It was my first holiday without my kids and I was doing my best to distract myself so I didn't bawl my eyes out. Part of my distraction was to do a 10K run. I injured my ankle trying to learn to snowboard 2 months ago and there's still quite a bit of pain so I wasn't sure I was ready to run.
Spring has just hit and it was so beautifully sunny. I was overlooking the city for the first part and as I came up the first hill I realized that my ankle wasn't quite where I needed it to be. I tried a few different positions and what felt best for the uphill portion was to run on my toes. Ok! Not ideal but it would work.
I was listening to my indie playlist and it was shuffling between Bon Iver, Angus and Julia Stone, Okkervil River, Decemberists, The Avett Brothers, Arcade Fire and Fleetwood mac (don't judge me :)
A song came on that I didn't recognize at first. I had bought it during a 7 hour lay over in the London airport and had forgotten about it. it was called The Garden and it was by Joshua James.
(lyrics http://www.maxilyrics.com/joshua-james-the-garden-lyrics-6caf.html) It's the story of a mother who dies from cancer. Suddenly I started to feel really thankful for life.
I was running along the side walk and there were kids playing basket ball in a drive way, the smell of a barbecue, the long line of artwork done by side walk chalk that probably entertained someone's kids for hours earlier that day. My "distraction run" was making me miss my kids all the more.
The sun was shining right in my eyes and so I kept my head down for the most part.
You know how when the sun is directly behind something, you can't really see what it is, and it's like beams of light kind of come off the object blocking it? Well I lifted my eyes up and there was girl on a bike coming down the street slowly towards me. I could see she had a pink shirt on but the sun behind her was so bright that it took a minute for my eyes to adjust.
She got a little closer and with the lyrics playing in my ears, I focused in to see that she was completely bald. Clearly fighting cancer. She didn't peddle her bike but steered it back and forth from one side of the road to the next. It was surreal and I found myself wondering what her story was. Thought about how happy she must have felt to just be able to ride her bike and celebrate Easter. Or how happy her parents must feel, how thankful.
Maybe I didn't have my kids for Easter weekend. And was it hard? Yeah it really was. But this week I'm gonna hold my healthy babies in my arms, kiss them and tell them to hurry up and finish their breakfast so we can get to school. I'm gonna tell them to clean their rooms again. I'm gonna drive 6 hours to Prince George to take my daughter to Provincials for gymnastics and then drive 10 hours to Surrey for a soccer tournament. I get to celebrate life with my kids, watching them grow and do the things they love.
That little girl coming down the hill in the sun beams made me thankful for what I have rather than grieving what I don't.
She made me thankful for life.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Knives or Nails
I have a small obsession with the cleanliness of my vehicle which manifests itself in life for a variety of reasons. Sometimes I shampoo my vehicle more than once a week but don't get me wrong, with four kids, it's a mess an hour later.
So I pulled up to the vacuum to clean it out, took out all the garbage and went to the machine. It was a new place. I had never been there before. This was no ordinary machine. First of all I had 3 choices of pressure for the vacuum. I had the option for shampoo right there. Then something I had never seen before. It was spray that you can use to make your vehicle smell like a new car or vanilla.
I was excited!
I noticed behind me that there was an older man, grey hair, bigger guy, and he was polishing his brown truck which clearly just came out of the car wash.
I took my toonie... um yes for those of you who are not Canadian, that's a $2 coin... I took my toonie and went to put it in the machine. It wasn't going in so I thought perhaps it took loonies.... and once again that is a $1 coin. Beside the vacuum was a place where you could get change but I didn't have any bills. Considering there was change machine I assumed there must be an ATM around the corner so I walked to find it. There was not.
I'm not the most patient person in the world and I am extremely frustrated by things that just don't make sense or don't work. Why is there a change machine and no ATM? Who carries bills these days? Ok I do actually but I didn't have any with me.
So I return to the machine and try my toonie again and still, it does not work. I get in my car and drive to the gas station and use the ATM. I return to the vacuum and put my $20 into the change machine. What comes out? Toonies! Certainly the change machine makes the right change for the vacuum!
I go back and force my toonie into the machine. This time it gets stuck. Good grief already! Now this machine has picked a fight with me and I won't lose!
I go and get a second toonie and try and use it to force the first one in. It's not working. In frustration I call out into the air "this stupid thing isn't working!"
The man behind me immediately springs to attention. "What's the matter?" he says with his polishing cloth in his hand.
"I can't get this to work!" OH! That was it! I said the magic words! I said that words that every man wants to hear. I could have sworn his chest puffed up as he walked over, ready to rescue me! He was wearing cowboy boots and I could see he was probably an old fashioned type of man... how shall I say.. a man's man.
"What's the problem?" he says.
"My toonie is stuck and I can't get it to work."
He tries to shove it in the same way I had and I want to tell him that I have already tried that but I don't want to take away the pleasure of his rescue.
Finally after a few attempts I let him know that I have already done it. It's only $2. I'm not worried about the money. I just want to clean my vehicle.
He turns to me and in all seriousness says "I'll get my knife!" He quickly walks towards his vehicle.
I laugh out loud and luckily it's loud enough that he doesn't hear me. His knife? He's going to get his knife? This is his manly solution to my coin stuck in the vacuum? I go through a quick number of possible scenarios that might play out and then I question whether I should let him know that I can probably pull the coin out with my nails.
I decide to interrupt his manly rescue and try to use my nails to pull out the coin. It works.
"I got it," I called. Part of me wished I hadn't because I was curious what he was going to do with the knife. I couldn't help but think that this seemed like a manly answer to most any problem. You know? Duck tape and a knife can pretty much solve any problem.
He points out another vacuum that is close to where I am. He walks over and hold the hose for me until I park, puts my toonie in and hands me the vacuum.
"Thank you so much!" I say and he walks away with his chest still slightly puffed.
I am always fascinated by the differences between men and women. What he would have solved with a knife I solved with my nails. He would have solved it just as well, just with a different approach.
And what was he doing with a knife in his truck anyway?
So I pulled up to the vacuum to clean it out, took out all the garbage and went to the machine. It was a new place. I had never been there before. This was no ordinary machine. First of all I had 3 choices of pressure for the vacuum. I had the option for shampoo right there. Then something I had never seen before. It was spray that you can use to make your vehicle smell like a new car or vanilla.
I was excited!
I noticed behind me that there was an older man, grey hair, bigger guy, and he was polishing his brown truck which clearly just came out of the car wash.
I took my toonie... um yes for those of you who are not Canadian, that's a $2 coin... I took my toonie and went to put it in the machine. It wasn't going in so I thought perhaps it took loonies.... and once again that is a $1 coin. Beside the vacuum was a place where you could get change but I didn't have any bills. Considering there was change machine I assumed there must be an ATM around the corner so I walked to find it. There was not.
I'm not the most patient person in the world and I am extremely frustrated by things that just don't make sense or don't work. Why is there a change machine and no ATM? Who carries bills these days? Ok I do actually but I didn't have any with me.
So I return to the machine and try my toonie again and still, it does not work. I get in my car and drive to the gas station and use the ATM. I return to the vacuum and put my $20 into the change machine. What comes out? Toonies! Certainly the change machine makes the right change for the vacuum!
I go back and force my toonie into the machine. This time it gets stuck. Good grief already! Now this machine has picked a fight with me and I won't lose!
I go and get a second toonie and try and use it to force the first one in. It's not working. In frustration I call out into the air "this stupid thing isn't working!"
The man behind me immediately springs to attention. "What's the matter?" he says with his polishing cloth in his hand.
"I can't get this to work!" OH! That was it! I said the magic words! I said that words that every man wants to hear. I could have sworn his chest puffed up as he walked over, ready to rescue me! He was wearing cowboy boots and I could see he was probably an old fashioned type of man... how shall I say.. a man's man.
"What's the problem?" he says.
"My toonie is stuck and I can't get it to work."
He tries to shove it in the same way I had and I want to tell him that I have already tried that but I don't want to take away the pleasure of his rescue.
Finally after a few attempts I let him know that I have already done it. It's only $2. I'm not worried about the money. I just want to clean my vehicle.
He turns to me and in all seriousness says "I'll get my knife!" He quickly walks towards his vehicle.
I laugh out loud and luckily it's loud enough that he doesn't hear me. His knife? He's going to get his knife? This is his manly solution to my coin stuck in the vacuum? I go through a quick number of possible scenarios that might play out and then I question whether I should let him know that I can probably pull the coin out with my nails.
I decide to interrupt his manly rescue and try to use my nails to pull out the coin. It works.
"I got it," I called. Part of me wished I hadn't because I was curious what he was going to do with the knife. I couldn't help but think that this seemed like a manly answer to most any problem. You know? Duck tape and a knife can pretty much solve any problem.
He points out another vacuum that is close to where I am. He walks over and hold the hose for me until I park, puts my toonie in and hands me the vacuum.
"Thank you so much!" I say and he walks away with his chest still slightly puffed.
I am always fascinated by the differences between men and women. What he would have solved with a knife I solved with my nails. He would have solved it just as well, just with a different approach.
And what was he doing with a knife in his truck anyway?
Saturday, March 30, 2013
My healing my hope
He is my healing my hope
He is my safety from the storm
He is my freedom to run
He is my joy unspeakable to come
Resurrection power
Coming out of death
Darkness of the grave come into the light
Friday, March 29, 2013
Am I a feminist?
Sitting in the enormous gym at TCC waiting for Shekinah to have her turn on the uneven bars, I feel my phone buzz and check it. It's a friend and he asks me if I am a feminist and how I would define that personally.
Well I have a few things to draw from as I come up with my answer.
1. The other women I know that call themselves feminists. Some of them man haters, some of them who spell woman "womyn" so that there is no "man" in the word. A few of them believe in decency and respect for both sexes equally.
2. My Christianity which tells me that no I can't be a feminist!!
3. My own thoughts on women and men.
I beat around the bush with my answer for a good length of time giving the definitions I think my friends would give and then explaining some biblical texts that..... we won't bother opening right now.
Then finally he asks again and I'm left with just my own thoughts. I quickly go to wikipedia to look up the definition properly but when I open the page, I am challenged to consider my own definition so I close it.
I believe that women are 100% equal to men and deserve every opportunity that a man would get. I believe women should be valued for every aspect of who they are and not just their looks. I believe women are intelligent capable strong beautiful people. So my definition didn't come from wikipedia or the dictionary but from what I see around me. So am I a feminist?
I think my problem might be how "feminists" view men. Cause frankly I don't have a problem with men either. Sometimes I think feminism is just a good excuse to man hate and people call themselves feminists after being severely hurt by a man. I don't want to judge because each person has their own experience and who am I to know. Weeelllllll. But I've been hurt too right along with every other woman on the planet. Still, I think men are so valuable too. (really heather, did you just write that? "so valuable too"? Excuse me while I powder my nose!)
So if feminism is an opportunity to disregard men in any sense, then no I am not. But if it's an opportunity to allow women to be all that they can be and to celebrate them, then sure I am. Isn't every woman?
So then, yesterday morning I woke up to a text that was a link to a podcast. Someone asking a known Calvinist minister, John Piper, if it was ok if men read books written by women since that could potentially go against the scripture that says a woman should not be permitted to teach a man.
I listened to it on the stepper at the gym after a 45 min teaching on the philosophy of Berkeley and quite frankly I thought the lunacy of Berkeley was easier to swallow than the podcast.
Ok, hold on a second here. My first problem is this - someone ASKED that question? Like someone crawled out of their cave for more firewood long enough to ask that question? Forget the answer which was equally appalling, but I am wondering why we are even occupying time and space with such an absurd question.
I'm wondering at what age a woman is no longer allowed to teach a man. That's sincere for those who hold to such opinions. My son let's say - I'm allowed to teach my 6 year old boy right? How about my 11 year old? At what age is he suddenly sinning to be taught by me? If anyone has some light on that I would love to waste some more time and space.
The young boys that we spend our lives teaching and molding to be men will one day reach a certain age that it will be wrong for them to be taught by us? I'm not sure I know how to understand that.
So am I going to stand on a picket line with a sign to fight for the rights of women? No, I'm not. Do I think it's great that someone else does? Yes. Do I think women have the right to do anything and everything that a man does? Absolutely. Do I look down on men? No. Am I going to hand my boys books written by both men and women and tell them that the treasure inside of the book has nothing to do with what "private parts" they have, but has everything to do with the intelligence and creativity of the individual regardless of their sex? Absolutely!!
Does that make me a feminist?
Well I have a few things to draw from as I come up with my answer.
1. The other women I know that call themselves feminists. Some of them man haters, some of them who spell woman "womyn" so that there is no "man" in the word. A few of them believe in decency and respect for both sexes equally.
2. My Christianity which tells me that no I can't be a feminist!!
3. My own thoughts on women and men.
I beat around the bush with my answer for a good length of time giving the definitions I think my friends would give and then explaining some biblical texts that..... we won't bother opening right now.
Then finally he asks again and I'm left with just my own thoughts. I quickly go to wikipedia to look up the definition properly but when I open the page, I am challenged to consider my own definition so I close it.
I believe that women are 100% equal to men and deserve every opportunity that a man would get. I believe women should be valued for every aspect of who they are and not just their looks. I believe women are intelligent capable strong beautiful people. So my definition didn't come from wikipedia or the dictionary but from what I see around me. So am I a feminist?
I think my problem might be how "feminists" view men. Cause frankly I don't have a problem with men either. Sometimes I think feminism is just a good excuse to man hate and people call themselves feminists after being severely hurt by a man. I don't want to judge because each person has their own experience and who am I to know. Weeelllllll. But I've been hurt too right along with every other woman on the planet. Still, I think men are so valuable too. (really heather, did you just write that? "so valuable too"? Excuse me while I powder my nose!)
So if feminism is an opportunity to disregard men in any sense, then no I am not. But if it's an opportunity to allow women to be all that they can be and to celebrate them, then sure I am. Isn't every woman?
So then, yesterday morning I woke up to a text that was a link to a podcast. Someone asking a known Calvinist minister, John Piper, if it was ok if men read books written by women since that could potentially go against the scripture that says a woman should not be permitted to teach a man.
I listened to it on the stepper at the gym after a 45 min teaching on the philosophy of Berkeley and quite frankly I thought the lunacy of Berkeley was easier to swallow than the podcast.
Ok, hold on a second here. My first problem is this - someone ASKED that question? Like someone crawled out of their cave for more firewood long enough to ask that question? Forget the answer which was equally appalling, but I am wondering why we are even occupying time and space with such an absurd question.
I'm wondering at what age a woman is no longer allowed to teach a man. That's sincere for those who hold to such opinions. My son let's say - I'm allowed to teach my 6 year old boy right? How about my 11 year old? At what age is he suddenly sinning to be taught by me? If anyone has some light on that I would love to waste some more time and space.
The young boys that we spend our lives teaching and molding to be men will one day reach a certain age that it will be wrong for them to be taught by us? I'm not sure I know how to understand that.
So am I going to stand on a picket line with a sign to fight for the rights of women? No, I'm not. Do I think it's great that someone else does? Yes. Do I think women have the right to do anything and everything that a man does? Absolutely. Do I look down on men? No. Am I going to hand my boys books written by both men and women and tell them that the treasure inside of the book has nothing to do with what "private parts" they have, but has everything to do with the intelligence and creativity of the individual regardless of their sex? Absolutely!!
Does that make me a feminist?
Thursday, March 28, 2013
March 28- fingers in her hair
I figured I would just break the ice with something really melancholy and vulnerable, and then it's all uphill from there! This song is called Fingers in Her Hair. I am putting 2 versions because one is a really really rough version me on my acoustic piano but to be honest, as much as I love really clean good recordings that can be achieved in the studio, I also think there is something about a raw moment that just happens. This is one of those times.
There are some topics that have to be off limits for me to write about and this song bleeds into that area. So I will just say this about the song.
Oh boy... deep breath... 3 years ago I was at one of the lowest times of my life, really really struggling and like any mom would, I kept focus on my kids to get me through. My daughter's and I have a thing about hair. When I was young, my mom would brush my hair every night. I remember watching the littlest hobo. Come on someone out there must remember that show! It was a very personal and intimate thing to me and so it is with my daughters and I.
I always do their hair for dance shows and gymnastics competitions and it's something we both look forward to.
During the low time 3 years ago, feeling extremely unimportant, I thought about my daughter and how important it was to her that I did her hair.
When I wrote the song - it was just before a gymnastics competition and....I'm not sure how to explain this without explaining this.... there was a possibility I wasn't going to be able to do her hair.
That night I crawled into her bed with her while she was sleeping. I put my fingers in her hair and laid there and wept. Then I wrote this song.
There! I did it. That wasn't so bad.
I'd be curious to hear your comments on the different versions.
There are some topics that have to be off limits for me to write about and this song bleeds into that area. So I will just say this about the song.
Oh boy... deep breath... 3 years ago I was at one of the lowest times of my life, really really struggling and like any mom would, I kept focus on my kids to get me through. My daughter's and I have a thing about hair. When I was young, my mom would brush my hair every night. I remember watching the littlest hobo. Come on someone out there must remember that show! It was a very personal and intimate thing to me and so it is with my daughters and I.
I always do their hair for dance shows and gymnastics competitions and it's something we both look forward to.
During the low time 3 years ago, feeling extremely unimportant, I thought about my daughter and how important it was to her that I did her hair.
When I wrote the song - it was just before a gymnastics competition and....I'm not sure how to explain this without explaining this.... there was a possibility I wasn't going to be able to do her hair.
That night I crawled into her bed with her while she was sleeping. I put my fingers in her hair and laid there and wept. Then I wrote this song.
There! I did it. That wasn't so bad.
I'd be curious to hear your comments on the different versions.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
March 27 -Indie Love
It took me far too many hours to figure out how to get all of this set up, but alas, I think it is! So this first song is called Indie Love and I had been thinking about how people just like things "indie", or maybe I just do. Either way, I started to think about all kinds of indie things and then thought about what it would be like for love to be really free. I just imagined 2 kind of hippie people sitting at a coffee shop somewhere falling in love.
Lines I like:
We found a corner of a century to tuck in the edges of our blankets
and bide, bribe, bide time.
We didn't mean to stumble to our stubborn hands and feet
and crawl like broken calves released from the stall
each time we meet
Still we maintain our anthem feeding back
so the lyrics can't be heard
but trust me there's no lack of words
Lines I like:
We found a corner of a century to tuck in the edges of our blankets
and bide, bribe, bide time.
We didn't mean to stumble to our stubborn hands and feet
and crawl like broken calves released from the stall
each time we meet
Still we maintain our anthem feeding back
so the lyrics can't be heard
but trust me there's no lack of words
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
No one cares about your blog!
My friend and I wanted to get t-shirts quite a few years ago with that written on them: no one cares about your blog. What is hard for me when it comes to blogging is that I simply don't think I'm that important! Hyper posters we like to call them- you know those people who post every single thing they do throughout the entire day - yeah them - hyper posters drive me crazy and I wonder if they think they are really that important. Perhaps they are. Nonetheless, I might wear my shirt but blog at the same time!
I really want to blog for one reason only. I have hundreds of songs sitting on my computer that no one will ever hear. There is an artist who died recently and he was the same age as me. I started to think about all the music he won't make. Thought about my own death and wanted to use music to speak to someone, anyone really. But at least it can be heard and it's not just sitting on my computer.
So then I thought I would do a song a day for year. Just try it out and see how it went. Then along with that I could... yeah go ahead and say it heather... BLOG!
I really want to blog for one reason only. I have hundreds of songs sitting on my computer that no one will ever hear. There is an artist who died recently and he was the same age as me. I started to think about all the music he won't make. Thought about my own death and wanted to use music to speak to someone, anyone really. But at least it can be heard and it's not just sitting on my computer.
So then I thought I would do a song a day for year. Just try it out and see how it went. Then along with that I could... yeah go ahead and say it heather... BLOG!
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