Jesus heals paralyzed man

Jesus heals paralyzed man

Come to me

Come to me

We played the pipe

We played the pipe

Disciples Instructions

Disciples Instructions

According to your faith

According to your faith

Jesus heals dead girl

Jesus heals dead girl

Workers into the fields

Workers into the field

Faith of Centurion

Faith of Centurion

ask seek knock

Ask Seek Knock

Jesus and the woman at his feet

Jesus and the woman at his feet

I dig this one.

Jesus heals man with Leprosy

Jesus heals man with Leprosy

Narrow and wide

Narrow and Wide

Decided I would make my way through the parables of the new testament and sing scripture for a while.  It's a good refresher and it almost always opens up new thoughts and perspectives.

THIRD MINOR

THIRD MINOR

TIME TO RUN

TIME TO RUN

WEANING

WEANING

LOOKING FOR CHANGE

LOOKING FOR CHANGE

It's interesting that we go through so many things in life, both joys and hurts and certain things stand out to us for reasons we don't know about.

Sometimes the smallest things mean the most.

I haven't had an easy life, like many people.  I have been through a lot even as a child.  I am sure that there are many memories that could have been the winner for  the "Most Painful"award, but this memory stands out for me more than any other.

My parents had divorced and my sister and I lived with my mom.  She worked a few jobs trying to make life work for us and like many single moms out there she barely made it, perhaps sometimes she didn't make it.  It almost bothered me how hard she tried which seems a bit strange but I could feel the shame of her efforts.

I was proud of her for working hard and for taking care of her kids without any outside financial help.  But I often wished that there was a way I could have let her know that it was ok.  We lived in a trailer park, wore second hand clothes and sometimes my mom would get vegetables from the grocery store that couldn't be sold anymore but were still decent enough to eat.

It was a summer day and the ice cream truck was making its rounds through the trailer park.  From inside the house you could hear the sound of the bells from the truck and the sound of a vocal collage of "mom!" that was going through the air from the kids that were playing outside.

Like all the kids, my little sister and I said the same thing.  "The ice cream truck!  The ice cream truck!"

You know that drawer in your house?  The junk drawer!  The one that has the pens with no lids, an empty roll of tape, left over batteries, a set of spare car keys to a vehicle you're not sure anyone even owns.  And at the bottom of that drawer is always the change that someone threw in there when there was nowhere else to put it.  You know that drawer?   My mom went to that drawer and started scrambling through  it looking for change for us to have ice cream.

Somehow, though I was only around 10 years old, I knew that she didn't have money for the ice cream truck. But that wasn't all I knew.  For that moment I felt her shame in a profound way.

Being the good little actress that I was, I started to say that I didn't really want an ice cream that day. I wanted to take away her shame and her sense of failure and I thought that if I didn't want the ice cream she wouldn't feel like she had to give it to me.

There's not a moment in my childhood that impacted me like that one.  It's the picture of her going through the junk drawer wishing life was different, wanting to hide from us that once again she was falling short.  She never would have let us know that she couldn't do it.  Somehow though, we knew.

"She was looking for change, looking for change, she was looking for change."

PRINCESS GEORGE

PRINCESS GEORGE

Princess George came to town
With a binder full of chords
Under his arm his lyrics fell like bricks without the Lord

We liked the way he wooed
And wound his way around the town
And sipped his wine with a smile
And liked to dine without the common folks

He needs his vitamin B
And the right coffee
Need me to carry his bags

every night


We laughed until our bellies hurt
And rolled in cream an jelly
We slapped high 5's at our success
We all linked arms like we were   one of a kind

and we slapped high 5's at our success

And then we sat around the fire
With princess George and friends
We passed the ale and the nightingale
Told secrets no one knew

He passed around his Wish list
Said if he returned
We all must sing the songs
Each one of us had learned

I dropped my ale and spit my mouthful
Right into the fire
Looked at princess George and said
"it's time I should expire"

happiness

HAPPINESS

Different looks on love

MY SUNSHINE

I created this through observations of different people.  I tried to make them each slightly extreme and I'm sure that most people will find themselves a combo of each.  But I would really love to hear people's thoughts on this.

	PROFILE #1	PROFILE #2
Where it starts?  The preconceived dream	There is no preconceived ideal for this person.  She carries no ideal around looking for a person who fits her dream.  Rather, she accepts individuals for who they are and when she loves, it is merely a byproduct to the appreciation of the qualities of the person she meets.  These women are not looking for love specifically.  Love may come as a result of knowing a person but the primary focus is not the feelings, rather the individual.	Love with expectation starts before the person being loved is even met.  For example, young girls dream of growing up to marry and have children.  They dream about what their husband will be like and how she will be treated.    This immediately sets up a love with expectation because without realizing, the woman has created a subconscious template and looks for a suitable fit for her already conceived idea. Some women go as far as to make lists of traits they want and pull out their check list when they meet a person to be sure he fits what she wants. This woman STARTS OUT with an idea of what she wants.  Though the thought may be offensive, in essence, she already has a certain level of "love" for a person she hasn't even met. These women are looking for love.
Expectations	With no list to fulfill, this woman can more freely accept individuals for who they are and don't feel the need to change them.  Expectation is low if existing at all.  They feel that a person will give what they want to give and to ask for anything more is selfish.	The preconceived ideal creates expectation.  The woman wants and expects the relationship to be a certain way.  She feels that relationships by their definition allow for expectations.   Her check list needs to be met. For example, she would expect that a true friend would respond to her in a certain way.  That's not an expectation she would have on an acquaintance.  She would have a different expectation on a romantic relationship.   Her expectations are defined by societies definition and her own personal definition of that relationship.
Changing for someone	This person accepts people without the desire to change them.  When accepting someone, they accept both their strengths and their weaknesses.  They take responsibility for their own emotions and don't ask someone else to accommodate them.   In turn, they feel the freedom to be themselves and not have to receive burdens laid on them by another person.   They view change in 2 types of ways: 1. The transferring of burdens from other people which is viewed as selfish. 2.  Identifying a problem and correcting it.  They would not require a person to change in order to create happiness for themselves. Bottom line, they don't expect someone to change to make them happy because they are responsible for their own happiness.	Change and compromise is very important to this person.  They value working together as 2 people to satisfy each other's needs.   They feel relationships are give and take and that depending on that relationship's definition, change is part of working together as one unit.  The negative side to this is that one person can be demanding change when the other is not wanting to give it.  This person feels that the person they love is somewhat responsible for their happiness.  When they don't feel fulfilled, they begin to require change.
Betrayal	For this person, to sin against love is to betray the other person and also themselves.  They take full responsibility for how they feel.  They do not expect the other person to be responsible in any way.  They are satisfied in loving, not being loved.  Because this person is taking 100% responsibility for their emotions, they would view betraying love as betraying something that they are responsible for.  Therefore, to sin against love is to sin against themselves as well as the other person.	For this person, to sin against love is to sin against not only a person but the ideal itself.  In some ways, the ideal, the list, becomes a "person" it itself.  When the list is not being filled properly, this person has internal conflict because they are betraying what they view as their values.  In essence, they are betraying that "person" or idea.  The person becomes as loyal to their ideal as they are to the actual person.
Disappointment	Disappointment is also low because without expectation there can be little disappointment.  The person is free to appreciate what they are given and treat it like a gift that was not owed to them.  When that gift is not there, they don't suffer disappointment because they never expected it in the first place.	Because the woman has made her list and checked it twice, she suffers a great deal of disappointment when the man does things that are not on her list.  From there she feels the need to change him though she probably wouldn't admit it.  Or in other words, she feels the need to control him.   There is a constant clash between her reality and this ever present ideal that she has created for herself. This can happen in parenting as well.  A woman who has a deep preconceived ideal of parenthood can often be disappointed when the reality of it hits.  Then she suffers feeling guilty because if she is really honest, she feels disappointed in reality.

If you wouldn't mind, could you click back on facebook and make your comments?  I'm really curious.

can't compete

CAN'T COMPETE

RISE UP

RISE UP

Albuquerque co write

SANTA FE


I did a concert in New Mexico this past weekend and I had the crowd join with me to write a song.  They chose the chord progression and lyrics.  I had to add some more when I got home but this is the song we came up with.

Jesse jumped through the purple blank where her heart ran

Friday blew the window through like a huge fan

The plant and saturn and the lovely drum they loved

The wide and narrow and in between above

Santa Fe different wore her shirt tucked in elated so she danced

Jesse tied to a tree outside with her name tag

washed her car with an old guitar and a torn rag

The road and water and tiny drops they skipped

The book and picture and bowl of tears were tipped

A pause

A PAUSE

life so busy.  so so busy.  it means something if you can make someone pause.

Little Crazy

LITTLE CRAZY

Penned Finger Tips

PENNED FINGER TIPS

song that didn't make the Jesus Culture album but was recorded with them

MY CUP YOU DRANK

Humble God crucified in weakness
How can I speak this
A love bruised for me
Wine spilled out
Why this wasted life
How can a God be broken
Torn up on a tree

My cup you drank
My cup you drank
You did not give me up to death

You bent down
You walked among the broken
Forgiveness was spoke
the price was your crown

He was pierced
Our punishment upon him
A lamb lead to the slaughter
By his wound we are healed

I DO WANNA WALK HERE

I DO WANNA WALK HERE

COMPLICATED LAYERS

COMPLICATED LAYERS

cobblestone streets
a light weight sound
periodic waves of warmth
then the sun goes down
when the sun makes her appearance
scarves and sweaters while the cold air blows by
trapped inside the smell of cinnamon
and sudden layers and complications seem ok
seem ok

THE LAST

THE LAST

Oh how I ran with chained feet
Morose were days whose eyes fell late with joy
And bent like the willows by early spring
My spine was weak and narrow from everything

I dug with haste to make my stubborn chains
Barricade my heart from you again
You cast your spell like seed on an open field
In hope a harvest late in life would yield.

Then I let go with eyes closed
and fall I did into a complex web
she held me here and I learned to trust
and told me I could walk on the other side

I trampled the strong the shoots of spring in vain
cause hurdle death they did and grow again
they grew like vines to towers where I climbed my best
to reach the first the now to reach the last

WILCO LYRICS with my melody

SHOT IN THE ARM
This is a song that I stole the lyrics from a Wilco song before ever hearing it and then wrote my own version. Listened to original afterwards.  It was a writing exercise.

WAS I IN YOUR DREAMS

Another Wilco song.  I love these lyrics so much.  

PIEHOLDEN SUITE

Wilco #3

It's a fun exercise to look up lyrics of other artists and think what you think the song would sound like, write something and then listen to the original and see how far off you are!

I'm pretty pitchy at parts but... whaaaattttteever.

Also I was out of wifi for a few days so that's why I didn't post.  I thought I would do 3 today to make up for it. :)

Let me come

Let me come

Proverbs 31 stresses me out.

PROVERBS 31 (click title to hear song)

I'm really exhausted.  I just thought I would find some scripture to sing because I just have nothing to say right now.

And I opened up Proverbs 31 and didn't really read it over.  I just started to sing.  I found myself weeping by the end and I wondered why.

Perhaps my own shame and feelings of failure as a wife.  Perhaps the striving of women with so many more demands on us now than have ever been in the past.  We have this standard that we are always reaching towards.

More women feel guilty than ever before.  More women are working. More women are exhausted, burned out, on medication for depression or trouble sleeping. They say maintaining a household is a full time 40 hour a week job and then some women are also working on top of that creating the equivalent of 2 full time jobs.  Luckily there are many men who have stepped up in the homes to contribute more which is helpful for women.

Who can find a virtuous wife?  Well some men certainly have.  I can think of lots of amazing wives out there.

I've never tried harder at anything in my life than I did at being a successful wife.  I realize now in hind sight that the whole thing is subjective.  It didn't feel that way at the time.

I'm not a wife now. But still I look to this character from the end of a book of the bible that haunts me and makes me feel like I still have to do more.  She makes me feel like I am never quite enough.  Get up before it's even light out, works with wool and flax, she's shipping in food. She's providing for her family AND her female servants (might be nice to have a few of those around though for the busy days) Oh and ps - I bought a field today and had a bit of time in the afternoon so I planted a vineyard.  I went to the gym cause I'm supposed to have strong arms for this vigorous work.  On the way home she is trading who knows what with who knows who.  And you know why her lamp does not go out?  I'll tell you why!  Because she fell asleep reading!

But wait it doesn't stop there.  (No kidding her husband had full confidence in her!  Heck so do I!  Can she be my mom?!)  As if she hasn't quite done enough, she opens her arms to the poor and extends herself to the needy.  And I know some of you must be worried about winter but not her!  She has no fear cause she has clothed everyone in scarlet (?????)   She didn't just go out to Target for new sheets for her bed, she MADE the bed coverings.  And hey let's face it, she dresses well and she night as well!   I mean she is making clothes on the weekends and selling them so she might as well wear her own products.  It's good for sales!

I'm stressed out just thinking about it but not her! Oh no!  She LAUGHS at the days to come!  And she drinks how many coffees a day?  Thank God her kids like her!  And no kidding she is wise.  you couldn't pull of that kind of life without some serious wisdom.

And her husband high fives her when he comes in at the end of the day and is like "dang! you're incredible!"

She is intimidating no doubt.  

Who can find her?  She is everywhere.  She is in all the women I know.  She is the heart of woman.  She is at the doctors office with her kids, doing the grade 4 homework project that is way over her kids head.
She is racing from work to the soccer game when she remembers that it's her day for oranges so she races in and grabs them on her way.
She sits in political offices fighting for change in nations.
She owns a coffee shop down on Victoria street where she makes home made soup each day that packs the place out.
She is in the gym at 5:00 am... no wait... 6 am?  K maybe 6:30 if she's lucky at least let's say 3 times a week. (she's working on that)
She is laying down beside her daughter before bed listening to her daughter read.
She is meeting with the financial consultant to plan for the future.
She is everywhere.  Who can find her?  I dare say that if you're a woman, then you are her and if you are a man, then you know her.


So as much as we are tempted to feel guilt and shame in our journey of womanhood, I think there is room today to put up our feet, pat ourselves on the back and say we're doing a good job!

he weighed me down

HE WEIGHED ME DOWN

Think of you

THINK OF YOU (click title to listen)

When the night lays down beside me
And the windy star sprinkled trail up in the sky
leads me to the moon lit laughter on my pillow
I think of you

When the shadows sit in humble patience
Content to never strive
And somewhere in their possession is beauty never seen
I think of you

When all alone through the clouds I never see
A star winks down and reminds me
That all the finest works of art are ones too distant for our eyes
I think of you

Oh there she is
The top left corner of my window
It's like she waves each night
With a brilliant smile
And reminds me
To think of you

I HAVE TO RANT!!!

JUST HAVE TO BELIEVE (click title to hear song)

I feel a rant coming on and that probably means I should text TM first so she can nail me down a bit but I think this time I am just gonna let it fly.

Is it just me or does anyone else find that Christians can be one of the most selfish entitled groups of people on the planet?

Sure that's blunt but at least give me a second to unwrap that.

It seems like we have faith and entitlement somehow intertwined in a way that it's not meant to be.

I'm gonna look up entitlement in the dictionary just to see exactly what it says....

en·ti·tle

n-tahyt-l]  Show IPA

verb (used with object), en·ti·tled, en·ti·tling.

1.

to give (a person or thing) a title, right, or claim to something;furnish with grounds for laying claim: His executive positionentitled him to certain courtesies rarely accorded others.

2.

to call by a particular title or name: What was the book entitled?

3.

to designate (a person) by an honorary title.

So it looks like I'm referring to the first definition.  This says "to give" a person or thing, but I think problem #1 is that we don't wait to be given anything.  We give it to ourselves.  We demand it from others.  And so what do we give ourselves?   We give ourselves titles, rights, and we claim things.  

- I should have that.

- I'm a Prophet so you should honor me.

- I should be allowed to get something without having to give. 

etc

What that ends up looking like is arrogance. We think we have rights to things and titles. We qualify our entitlement with faith. "I'm just believing for this." or "I sense this in the Spirit"   THEN we disqualify ourselves from any human responsibility because don't you know???.... I'm entitled! 

Ever known anyone who works in the service industry?  Specifically food industry?  Do you know that the most dreaded day for them to work is a Sunday?  You know why?  Cause they say that the restaurants are full of Christians and that means low - no tips.   And why don't we tip?  We feel entitled to service without having to give back?  I don't know I'm just asking, rather stating with a question. 

If we were to see this behavior in our kids we would call them.... wait for it... spoiled!   And really that's what we are like.  

We think we deserve things, are owed things. (and I'm not saying that we don't! for the record!) But regardless of faith, there is still the principle of sowing and reaping.  If we want respect, walk worthy of respect.  If we want understanding, seek to understand.  

Its as though we can say "well I'm just believing for this" and then somehow that disqualifies us from any human responsibility.   And then to top it off we are lucky enough that when things go wrong we can just blame the devil. So all around, we have managed to create for ourselves a pretty responsible free environment.  

We would never say it because we would look like a 2 year old on the floor in Walmart (what's UP with that?!) but inside we have this attitude of "well I just should have this.  I deserve this.  I shouldn't have to give anything, praise God."  We literally think that both God and man owe us something.

David Ruis used to always talk about how he lived open handed and it impacted me tremendously.  I thought this - what if we lived as though no one owed us ANYTHING.  (Just follow me for a sec)  What if no one owed us loyalty, friendship, service, honor, etc?  Can you imagine how our attitudes would change?  Suddenly when someone gives you loyalty, rather than thinking "darn rights she owes me that!" you would think "that's a real gift and I'm thankful for it and I recognize that she doesn't have to give me that but choses to."   It creates thanksgiving and that is one of the opposites of entitlement.

By all means, have faith, believe for whatever you'd like, but let's carry ourselves with grace and thanks, being willing to give the very thing that we want from others.  Let's not stomp the ground and cross our arms and expect to be served.  Rather let's attempt to stumble our way along the path of humility and thanksgiving. 

Don't you just wonder what happened to inspire that rant?  

You rain love

YOU RAIN LOVE

Everyone has to have something to hold onto in the storm

Long tailed dancing wheat

LONG TAILED DANCING WHEAT (click titled to hear song)

Color of Grace

Color of Grace

Just for fun I have to tell a story.  I was at a conference recently with a couple friends and there were a few prophetic people there that were bothered by my/our presence.  Apparently we were making a disturbance in the spirit.  That's unfortunate!  Don't you think?

I wonder if it was because we were having fun.  Perhaps we should have been uptight and warring, keeping our eyes open for possible battles in the room.  Did we not raise our hands enough? Cause we didn't dance maybe!

I find it slightly hurtful and mostly ridiculous.  Did I mention mostly ridiculous?  

How has the "prophetic" become so arrogant and presumptuous?  What right does one person have to cast such judgement on another?  Maybe we were actually paving the way for God's presence that night.  Never know.

How does the prophetic give us the right to stop listening to each other, to stop loving each other?  Ever had someone have a "word" and then they don't even listen to you anymore because their mind is made up about you?  Where can we even go from there to walk together as a community of people?

If love is not the center, I have to doubt the word.  Anyone can be critical.  That's not prophetic!  Anyone can walk into a room and find fault with people. That doesn't take God.  That takes humanity.  What takes God is to see through humanity into the goodness in people.

If I speak with the tongues of men and angels and have not love.... (maybe that can be tomorrow's song)

Spiritual things can be so subjective and yet we walk around like we are the ultimate authority of everything that goes on around us.

I remember in Lakeland (oh yeah. Lakeland... speaking of judgement) and I went into this totally strange worship moment where I was blowing air into the mic like the sound of a storm or something. It was for sure out there.  I loved it!  Todd loved it!  Afterwards one of the other leaders came up to me and said "I did not get that at all!" And that's totally fine.  He is free to not get it and I am free to enjoy it. That's why we are a body with different flavors and tastes and preferences.

I like red and you like blue and I can't stand purple and somehow that needs to be ok.  I like a loud service. You like a quiet one.  I like this topic you like that one.  You like dancing with a tambourine and that drive me nuts.. I mean... it all works together.  (someone throw me a high five!)

But the people who like red "discern" that the people who like blue are "off" and the people who like "purple" all huddle in the corner and tell each other how purple is the only way.

Prophetic should be how we call each other into the best we can be, how we speak life and destiny over each other.  It should be how we love each other in the face of struggle.  It's how we see in the storm! Prophetic should above all be the heart of God for a person, not the judgement of man.  I've been that myself. I get it.  I've been judgmental and thought I "knew better".  (In fact I'm feeling pretty judgmental of those ridiculous prophetic people right about now)
But the highest place we can ever stand is in the place of love and love trumps all.  If your "word" separates you from people, it might be time to question if it's really a word.

At least if nothing else, we gave the prophetic people something to do that night.  They were able to fight off the darkness that we brought in.  They might have been bored otherwise so in the end... all things work together for good for those who love God.

Time After Time

TIME AFTER TIME (click on title to hear song.  This is NOT my song. It's a cover of Cindi Lauper's)

I feel like I have an invisible friend or enemy depending on how you look at it.  Let's call the friend "he" just because we have to call it something.

I'll describe him.  You know him actually but you might not have thought of him in the way that I do.

He is very faithful.
He is compassionless.
He can be the most valuable friend you'll ever have.
He is stubborn.
He never lets you down.
You can't get away from him no matter how hard you try.
Sometimes you just can't get enough of him.
He knows who he is and he won't change for anyone.

His name is Time.

I sometimes feel like I"m trapped in a very prison and I'm claustrophobic.  I beat the walls.  I shake the bars.  I scream at the top of my lungs and no matter what I do, I can never sway time.  It isn't moved by feelings, by whether I want more of it or less of it.  Whether it's presented to me in hours, years or seconds, it remains unrelenting.

If I consider the moments when I am most alive and filled with hope, I want it to slow down.  I want it to stretch out as though a second might be able to swayed to pause between beats.  Or if I think about what it would feel like if someone close to me was dying, time would become the most precious thing I could have.

And if I consider the moments of pain.... you know... I'm sure you've heard it before, people say "it just takes time".  It just takes time?  Suddenly it becomes this cold stubborn thing that I can never get away from.  And so I sit myself down on the prison floor and listen to it mock me.  I know that no matter how I beg or plead, cry all the tears in the world, shout enormous shouts of joy, savor every moment, long, love, hate, fear, hurt, laugh, I will never cause it to be moved.

Thankful

THANKFUL (click title to hear song)

I AM

I AM (Click on title to listen)

The Shape of You

THE SHAPE OF YOU (click on title to listen to son

I am looking for you from the moment I wake to the moment I close my eyes
And even in my dreams there is always a place
And it's made the shape of you

And in the sky and in the stars
The mountain side
The way the colors reach my eyes
All I want is to find
Find you there
To find you there

And when I do my heart is filled
With worship and wonder I am filled
I am yours

IN YOUR HEART (click on title to listen)

I walked some long long pathway to the northern chamber
you brought the midnight sun in the dark night of the soul

And I arose for the midnight dawn
For the lightening strikes
for the red stained wrongs

I'll sleep well to know the snow falls
And I'm inside the walls of your heart
I'll find rest on this crooked line
Cause I'm yours and you are mine

You showed me symmetry of soul
And gracious artistry
you showed me eyes filled full of generosity

Purple Hues

PURPLE HUES

I recently had a dream about a friend.  He's not the kind of friend that I see all the time but one that has really touched me deeply and who has been there for some very important moments in my life.

I dreamed he died... frankly... and like most people would react, I thought "I never told him...."

The people we see regularly, I would guess, know how we feel.  We communicate more to them.  They see our emotions in our actions.  Things like that.

But sometimes there are people who mean a lot to us that aren't frequent enough, perhaps, to know just how much they mean.  And yet, we often don't tell them.

The unique thing about this friend

As much as I can relate to people around me, there is a large part of me that can't if I'm honest.  I find myself often looking around thinking - wow, I really don't fit here!

But this friend makes me feel like I'm ok.  He and I are a lot alike in the areas that I don't find comradery anywhere else.  He knows a side of me that no one else really knows.  He sees me with an angle that other's don't have.

When I woke up I wrote the lyrics to this song.

I was hoping that perhaps some of us could take a moment to be sure that we haven't left things unsaid.  

There are often 10, 20, maybe 100 good things that we think about someone for every one thing we might say.  But yet, something small can make a huge difference.

I've called and left a message, but I am going to make sure that this friend knows just how much he means to me and that even though we don't see each other very often, if he wasn't around, I would almost feel like a piece of me was missing.  

I think he does know even though I haven't said it.  But I want to make sure.

CAME UP LEANING

CAME UP LEANING  (click on title to listen)

I really struggle with Word Faith in a lot of ways.  And yet in many ways it works.  Sometimes when I get home from a trip and I know I'm going to be exhausted and emotional, I will tell Tina-Marie that I am going to be Word Faith for the week.  What I mean is that I am not going to let myself be emotional.  So am I denying how I really feel, thus being inauthentic?  Or am I choosing a higher road?  Crazy thing is – it works. But it feels like living a life of that, is living a life in denial in many ways.

I appreciate people's desire to believe for more, and the sincerity of it, but it's a bit like sickness – you know, you're sicker than a dog and you walk around saying you're healed.  Well, no you're not.  You're sick.  The body is suffering and you refuse to acknowledge it.  But then I think people do that with the soul too.  We have a church full of hurting Christians that walk around declaring that they will “rejoice in the Lord always and again I say rejoice”.  Many of them are just dying inside from rejection and disappointment. They won't dare admit it for fear of appearing less spiritual. 

And we wonder why we are shallow and not whole?  

The world is filled with struggle and when we close our eyes to it, we deny a fundamental part of who we are as people. 

On the other hand, sitting in a pity party of emotions never really did me any good either so I suppose there is a balance of being authentic and knowing when to walk in something other than what we “feel”

I think of the scripture in Romans that says “For I am persuaded that neither death nor life nor angel or demon...”  I think that perhaps life can persuade us of a higher reality.  But without persuasion it just seems like empty inner chanting, often due to the fact that we are afraid we will come across less spiritual if the bill hanging on the fridge didn't get paid on time. 

But I feel like I am being persuaded of things these days and that causes me to want to believe in things that I might see or might not see in my life,  but regardless of what I see happen in my own life I will believe that such a thing exists.  (Now that's vague!) And I suppose that's where I differ from much of word faith. Just because something exists I don't believe I just demand that thing be manifest in my life.  And quite frankly when I do demand it I only set my self up for disappointment it seems.  

I have a friend Claudia and financially she is persuaded that she will be blessed.  She doesn't come across as just casting empty declarations into the air.  When she struggles, it's more like the current situation doesn't line up with what she has been persuaded her life will be. I personally don't have the same persuasion though I do have hope. 

Another friend of mine told me about his ex.  He said that she just moved into a condo that her parents completely paid for.  When she lived with him, he took care of her financially in amazing ways.  Basically to say she has been well taken care of.  When he told me the story, oddly my reaction was not what I would have expected.  Rather than think – lucky girl!!  She gets to live without every paying a mortgage or rent!  I thought this – poor thing.  

I was shocked at my reaction. And I was sincere.  My first thought – think of all the character that she will never have. 

That made me look up Romans 5.  We also rejoice in sufferings knowing that suffering produces endurance and endurance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint.   That sounds a little bit to me like suffering produces persuasion.  Or how about James that says we know that our testing produces endurance and when endurance has its perfect effect, we will be complete, not deficient in anything.

And what about the “hall of faith”.  Some of those guys made it into the fall of faith having NEVER seen the thing they were persuaded of. That didn't mean they lacked faith, it just meant that they believed in something regardless of whether or not they ever saw it.

I continue on my journey of persuasion.  It takes time for that.  I really can say that I am persuaded of things now that I once was not.  I don't know what will be, how things will turn out.  But there are things I believe in that don't require me seeing it to continue in my belief. 

CHOCOLATE COVERED LIFE (click title to hear song)

Letters falling
Gathered up by
Eves troff on the roof

Slide by me
Don't try and stand
Where you can't be

It could take long jump through the chorus
It could take a golden ticket through the world of chocolate covered life
To find home

Spinning backwards
Lights like Christmas
Eyes stuck in one place

Jump rope night wire
Sliced my attire
No one will know

Tug of War

TUG OF WAR (click on title to listen)


This tug of war where your hands pull
My hands know the rope won't hold me now
I wonder if you wait for me
To fall upon a broken knee and finally
We'd let go

It's a waiting game of holding breath
It's who can take the larger step first
It's a resume that I don't have
But I've become the rope instead so pull
We'd let go

UNDER "S"

UNDER "S" (click title to listen to song)

I am in Finland now and the people here are wonderful!  I must have been tired because I slept for 12 hours last night, minus the 5:00 am wake up (which was supper time at home) when I got up and ate a banana.  I find that sleep is not the biggest part of jet lag for me.  It's actually meals.  I wake up because it's meal time at home and my body thinks it's time to eat.

Did music and spoke last night.  It's a challenge speaking with an interpreter but we made it work.

Under "S" was written when I was attempting 100 songs in 30 days.  (took 45 days)

I'm sure most of us know someone who is incredibly smart and knows facts about things that are really random and seem useless... ok well at least useless to us.

A good friend of mine is like that.  He reads about everything from world history - politics - anteaters- medicine - philosophy.  The topic might be big or small.  Doesn't really matter.

One day he randomly started throwing out facts about sloths.  After going bug eyed, and laughing, I thought "who on earth carries around information about sloths on their brain's file folder?"  So Under "S" means the file "S" in his brain.

So I felt like I needed some useless facts too so I would write a song about it.  I can hardly keep up with needed facts! There's not much room in my brain for anything extra!  If I can keep straight when it's my turn to bring oranges to my son's soccer game, making sure flights are booked on time, handing in my invoices for work, and when all my kids special events are, I think I'm doing pretty good.

But this was my attempt anyway of entering the world of useless facts.

MY DAY IN VENICE!!!/merry-go-round

MERRY-GO-ROUND (click title to listen)

Woke at 2:30 am only because it was supper time on my time zone.  I find that's what wakes me up on another time zone, not the sleep part, but my stomach!

I was starving!  It was still 3 ½ hours until the continental breakfast opened. I checked my carry on suitcase and I had one little box of yogurt covered raisins.   That held me over for about an hour and then I went to the vending machine.  How could it be that I was in Italy and eating out of a vending machine.  At 6:01 I went downstairs and asked the front desk if there was breakfast.  It seemed quiet. He said it started at 7:00.  I was starting to turn crazy.

At 6:59, me and about 30 Chinese people stormed the breakfast room where I ate... um... well.... 2 plates of food, 2 bowls of cereal and 2 lattes.  Don't judge me, it was a long time of being hungry!

I walked to the train station shortly after and caught a train into Venice.  I sat in a section full of school kids and I wondered if my own kids would act like such clowns on such a trip.  They probably would. 

I got off the train and walked through the station.  It's an amazing set up!  You go through the doors of the train station and it's almost like a great reveal or something.  You enter Venice like you're entering a whole new world.  Literal chills ran down my spine and all over my body and you know that saying “it took my breath away”?  Well it's a real saying.  It took my breath away.  

I stood there and stared and wanted to cry, which seemed stupid but I have wanted to be in Italy for a long time. 

I took a water bus to the farthest side, Palasso Ducale, because I wanted to go to go to Teatro La Fenice, a famous theatre.  I got off the water bus and went straight for the first coffee shop where I ordered a latte and sat and looked around.  So far I heard about 5 different languages being spoken. One word: tourists!!

I took out my map and turned on my internal gps.  Ok, I could stay 5 nights in a hotel and when I left my room I would go the wrong way to the elevator every single time.  I have NO internal gps.  I paid really close attention though to where I was walking, looked at my really crappy map and set off.  

At first I didn't really care where I was because I was stunned by everything.  I hadn't realized there are NO cars.  The “streets” are so narrow that I can touch the sides of the buildings at the same time with each hand. 

Right – left, left – right – left, straight- right – dead end.  This would be a good time to explain something. You know the hulk?  He gets mad and turns into something totally different?  I have a similar thing inside and it's triggered by being lost.  There is no other time it comes out, but when I'm lost I turn into a literal monster.  Ask Kate, Anna, Sonia, my kids – there's no denying it.  I become a raging monster.   I could feel my “clothes” starting to tear as I transformed but I was doing my best to hold it off. 

I have NO idea how but I looked up and low and behold there was the theatre.  I paid my 10 euro which got me into the tour and let me take pictures.  It also got me a phone that I could listen to that was my own pre-recorded tour guide. 

I walked in and burst into tears.  It was spectacular.  I couldn't move. I couldn't breath.  I looked around at the detail and beauty and thought I might be dreaming.  I listened to the guide and I won't bore you with the details. (unless you're a history nerd, in which case you'd love the details!)

From there I decided to find my restaurant.  It was the one that is in my book Taverna del Campiello Remer!  It's where 2 characters in my book meet so I wanted to go there for lunch.  Ummmm... 2 hours perhaps I was lost.  I walked around in circles.  And squares and octagons and any other possible shape.  Being the polite Canadian, I didn't want to ask for help because I thought those poor people probably get that all day long! (American's would just ask... ooooo ouch – little jab just for Claudia!)

I passed 2 men sitting outside a pub and then I passed them again.  They smiled, ok, laughed at me.  The third time they called me over and asked where I was going.  I showed them the name and the guy who didn't speak English said he knew where it was and he would take me there.  I was suddenly wishing I had Liam Neeson as my dad just in case I was “taken”. 

He did indeed know where it was and I thanked them for their help and they asked for credits in my book :)

I went in and sat down and it was wonderful.  A guy there who spoke English asked if he could sit with me.  He was an ex employee and so when I said I was writing a book, he felt the need to give me a lot of details about the place. It was helpful. 

I took my computer out and wrote for a bit while I had all those details right in front of me. 

From here I needed to head to the big old bridge who's name I can't think of right now.  I walked in the wrong places again and decided that my map was from the devil.  Right when my monster was about to rear its ugly head I looked to my right and there was an H&M.  That's enough to calm anyone's monster.  Bought a black dress... gee really? Yep black.  14 euro. 

When I left the store I went in the total wrong direction and got lost again. Where is Kerrie when you need her?!  That woman has a creepy sense of direction!  The buildings are so stunning.  The water, the shapes of everything from the windows to the arch ways.  I mean it's really indescribable. 

I found where I needed to go (that's the short version) and crossed the bridge.  I needed to get to restaurant #2 for the book.  I walked and walked and walked and walked.  My back was cramped from the weight of my bag, my feet hurt. Still I was enjoying myself, holding my monster at bay!  Another 2 guys saw me looking lost and tried to help me. “go here then there then over there then fly to the moon and back.” That's all I heard!

I had some gelato just so Gail would be proud of me since I couldn't find the donuts. 

I gave up and decided that part of the book would have to be left to my imagination.  I was ticked to say the least and I think my monster got the best of me at one point when I said out loud “I hate this city!”  It's just the monster!  I don't hate the city!

I decided to sit down and just write so I could make the most of it.  I had another latte, I think my 4th for the day, and wrote outside in the sun.  It was really nice. 

All I had to do was get back to the train.  I couldn't believe how exhausted I was!  

On my way I saw a sign for the museum of modern art.  Not a huge museum fan but I had to go.  I followed the signs (and a lady with a map) and did a tour of that! Inspiring!

I did great getting to the train because I looked up in the sky and followed the seagulls assuming they were at the main body of water. I was right for once. 

I caught a look of myself in a window and laughed.  Humidity does wonders for the hair!  I figured I should go to the bathroom before I left and I was amazed that I had to pay.  I was suddenly glad that I really had to go!

Just before leaving I sat on the steps one more time and took out my computer looking through my story for more detail I could insert.  

I had one more gelato.

Overall, Venice seemed to me a bit like Time Square.  There's nowhere in the world I have ever been that's like it.  Wonderful to visit but I couldn't live there. 

Now I'm on the train back.  I'm stuffed! My monster is calmed. My day was spectacular. And I'm happy to go back to the hotel and sleep.  

Tomorrow - Finland!

As for the song above - I'm not going to say what it's about just yet... I would like to hear what people think first.  So feel free to comment.