Time After Time

TIME AFTER TIME (click on title to hear song.  This is NOT my song. It's a cover of Cindi Lauper's)

I feel like I have an invisible friend or enemy depending on how you look at it.  Let's call the friend "he" just because we have to call it something.

I'll describe him.  You know him actually but you might not have thought of him in the way that I do.

He is very faithful.
He is compassionless.
He can be the most valuable friend you'll ever have.
He is stubborn.
He never lets you down.
You can't get away from him no matter how hard you try.
Sometimes you just can't get enough of him.
He knows who he is and he won't change for anyone.

His name is Time.

I sometimes feel like I"m trapped in a very prison and I'm claustrophobic.  I beat the walls.  I shake the bars.  I scream at the top of my lungs and no matter what I do, I can never sway time.  It isn't moved by feelings, by whether I want more of it or less of it.  Whether it's presented to me in hours, years or seconds, it remains unrelenting.

If I consider the moments when I am most alive and filled with hope, I want it to slow down.  I want it to stretch out as though a second might be able to swayed to pause between beats.  Or if I think about what it would feel like if someone close to me was dying, time would become the most precious thing I could have.

And if I consider the moments of pain.... you know... I'm sure you've heard it before, people say "it just takes time".  It just takes time?  Suddenly it becomes this cold stubborn thing that I can never get away from.  And so I sit myself down on the prison floor and listen to it mock me.  I know that no matter how I beg or plead, cry all the tears in the world, shout enormous shouts of joy, savor every moment, long, love, hate, fear, hurt, laugh, I will never cause it to be moved.